"Have To Drive" Amanda Palmer
"One day I suffer like I suffer from" playing the songs they listen to every day after that episode, in a certain way, changed my life, my way of thinking, of relating. Hole Doll Parts
of which seemed to have been written for me. One day
suffer like I suffer. No, Jack would not have never had even half of what I was suffering just for the fact that he had never really interested. I had used, teased and then left there like an old toy.
However I could not hate him. In fact I could not prove anything: barely touched the food, not the guitar I played for days and when I did I was listless and minimally motivated, studied as an automaton, the more habit than out of duty and the desire to pass their exams. Apathy, not heard much outside of me, while inside I screamed and tried to stifle the screams as I could. Elvira
I always said that my eyes were talking, he would have understood even kilometers away that I was wrong, but it was Elvira, and she had a sixth sense in everything.
of course I had to calm his anger toward Jack, if it had been for her, I was going to be taken and beaten with his own hands. Matta as he was he would do it seriously. Jamie
but I felt guilty and apologized for telling continuously presented. He felt responsible, but it was not his fault that Jack had decided to find another woman more attractive than me and baciarsela front of my dorm.
more time to heal things, however, did not get worse. Maybe because I did not want anyone's help, did not want to talk about it because just the thought made me bleed and feel terribly humiliated and stupid. Our
musical project had slowed alarmingly. Jamie and Elvira do not press upon me at all, but in their eyes you could tell they wanted to see me still playing, still smiling and burning as before.
at the thought of disappointing too, I was dying. I sat in my room on the bed. The silence around, the only noises that came from the street. Laughter, crystal clear and vibrant voices of students who passed under my window.
A disappointment on all fronts. I lay down and looked at the white ceiling of my room, his hands clasped in her lap. I closed my eyes: the face of Jack in front of me smiling. This alone could see when I closed my eyes.
opened them again to get rid of that face that I loved so much and that I hated. I sighed and got up.
I ran a hand through his hair. A waterfall of blond hair flooded my face. Staring into the void, without even thinking I got up and walked to the rehearsal room. Every step I take I rumbled in his chest, slowly it seemed to me to walk under water, as another dimension of space.
reached out a hand to touch the wall that ran along the stairs, I scratched the back of his hand. I felt no burning, it hurt. I just watched the slender wrist, I had lost weight and seemed to disappear now.
Step by step he reached the door, I opened the handle and entered. Before My eyes her, my old guitar.
What was the hold it there, unused? What was to continue to play if he stayed there to take the dust?
breathed strong savoring the smell in our rehearsal room, the unmistakable aroma of mint mixed dust. A little air fresheners were served by Elvira. But it had a unique smell and so familiar by now.
Another few steps and found myself in front of my guitar, just sparkled under the lights through the windows.
I touched the handle almost automatically, she made a shrill. He was crying, I was sure. Cries of agony my heart that I could not continue to suffer. I I could not continue to feel bad enough, I was litter.
firmly grasped the handle and slowly sollavai, not to play this time, but to hurl it with all my strength against the wall. Again and again and again. Shattered under my shots and more violent as I could. An infernal noise deaf and leaping chords.
I stopped when I heard the might be impaired. I knelt on the floor with the pain, blurred vision and heart like I made a mad rush of kilometers. The guitar is completely destroyed in front of me, now would not have been more wrong. He would not cry. I prayed for someone did the same thing about me and put an end to my suffering, but it did not. I collapsed just lying on the floor.
only later I realized my foolish act, Elvira and Jamie when I picked up from the floor. As soon as I opened my eyes and made sure you were okay I lay it delicately against the wall. I watched the void while Elvira asked me why I had done and if I felt good and if I needed help.
"I do not know why I did it." I simply say, thinking that I was once again able to ruin something that I wanted. All that passed between my hands seemed to crumble.
"Jul. .." I ran a hand over his forehead to offset rebel locks from his face. "How can you play now?" sighed and looked at me with concern.
"I'm sorry ..." I said before tightening in the chest and knees and take it to the empty set in front of me. She
comfortable on my side where I was leaning against the wall. 'E' for Jack, right? Want to talk? "
"Yes, for him ... .. But I do not know ..." I laid my eyes on my hands and fidgeted nervously with his fingers "I ... I feel empty, that is. ... I seem to sporfondare I never thought to go that far ..." my robotic voice sounded terribly pathetic.
"Come on, Lu .. A guy so it is better to lose than to find it ... I know it's trivial, but that is not to destroy you in this way there ..." looked down "You still want to play?" displacing said. "I'm not lobbying or other non fraitendermi ... And 'you'd better lie, well ... "
" You want another singer and another guitarist? "I asked in utter disarray and confusion.
shook his head" I'm not saying this, Lu, the Flaming Stars without you do not make sense to exist ... I think you'd better play to regain a bit of life here ... I know how much you love music, singing, playing ... And I want you to fall into a whirlwind of depression for any idiot that certainly does not deserve your tears ... "sweet smiles.
At that time Jamie came into the room with a glass of water handed to me to refresh.
"True, Jamie?" urged Elvira.
"What, Elly? "Approached her.
" That Flaming Lu have no sense ... "and he laughed with her.
" Of course, in short, Lu .. Take your time and do not worry ... "he paused a moment to think" too because you can not play, you do not have the guitar ... "
" Jamie is a genius, really! "sarcastic Elvira could not puzzecchiare Jamie.
He returned with a grimace, but kept the laughter and burst out laughing.
do not know what I deserved to have friends like that, but I was lucky and my morale is lifted and shortly after I returned a smile.
"Although I do a little bit sick as a musician? "smiles.
" Who sucks? " Jamie asked puzzled.
"Exactly, the moralizing right! None of us sucks, we've played in a club and find an opportunity to do it again and if I'm wrong .... Well, 'slam me!" laughed. "We will learn from our mistakes and fuck the rest, no?"
"Excuse me, who would be moralizing, Kane?" raised an eyebrow, crossing his arms to his chest, Jamie.
"You!" Elvira said quiet.
"It is true that they are righteous!" defended himself.
"On this I would have to say, I get a list?" not held back the laughter when Jamie then made a rush to beat her and she pretended to defend themselves. I also
Risi, taste, it seemed that the black cloud over my head had disappeared at least for a while. When the fight ended
Affan and prey to laughter, I got up and threw a blind eye to the wreckage of my former guitar scattered all over the floor.
"Ok, give me some time. Riodinare Just in time for my life and to convince my to buy back a damn guitar. ... Christ" Already imagine the curses that I would launch my parents. Of course they will not know that I was in a fit of anger.
After the usual lessons got to the dorm exhausted. I saw Elvis right on the door of my room waiting for me and had a mischievous grin, as well as a new haircut. He had obviously cut and dyed only knows, as he always did. This time he opted for a "case to go with the scissors and a two-tone green and black. The were so good.
"I do not look great hair like this?" ran a hand through his hair ravvivandoseli then laughed "Do not be too much to contemplate ... Come with me."
took my hand and no I had a chance to retort dragged me to the rehearsal room.
"What's so important?" I managed to say at the door.
"Come in, come on."
"Before I?" I asked confused, I did not understand what could be so vital.
"No, me! But siiiiiiiiiiiiii! Next." I urged, pointing to the door. I opened the door slowly
and slipped the head inside.
I could not believe it, sgranai eyes narrowed and her lips by surprise.
"Surprise!" Jamie said, standing in front of the guitar ...
A new guitar. Black with a small pink star on the side and other stars on the silver handle. It was wonderful.
Elvira ran to Jamie giving him a shove that threw me against the wall showed that wonder proud.
"Ah," Jamie rubbed the arm that had hit the wall "a little more sensitive, maybe."
"Come on, man does not whine for a little push!" Elvira said. "Lu .. Meet your new guitar!"
"... I do not know ..." I had eyes only for the guitar that stood before me.
"We made a small collection and we took it!" did not hide the pride in his voice Elvira "and stars on the neck I have attacked me."
"Guys, you should not have ..." I was embarrassed as a shy child, but so happy. "You spent a lot of money, I will repay the Ve ..."
Elvis shook his head and rolled her eyes "Do not say bullshit, Lu .. 's a gift for myself and for Jamie"
"But you should not have ..."
"It's actually used. We put aside a bit of hurry up and here it is." Jamie interjected.
snorted "You mean to say that we'll let the birthday gift, ok? Now is the time to take up, come on!" The
still gazed for a moment. Dazed in front of two people now become the most important of my entire life.
"Then you're done to remain standing there, want to try it or not?" the joyful voice of Elvira I looked away from the contemplation.
nodded and I walked slowly, almost afraid I'd disappear from the front at any moment. The
and touched the strings vibrate. I do not know why, but she did not cry as my old one, but made a sound like a laugh and crystal clean.
gained strength and imbracciai Then I tried two agreements. I turned to Elvis smiling and happy she returned with a satisfied grin and mischievous as only she could do, knowing that his ideas were always the best and could do no wrong.
soon became a symbol of that guitar. A symbol that marked the time to get out of the whirlwind of sadness, a turning point, it made no sense to continue to drag on like that.
"I would say to inaugurate the new guitar, shall we?" Jamie suggested already looking forward to sitting in on drums to play.
"Good idea, Stone!" Elvira rushed to bottom.
We played a long time, I felt better. It was exactly what I needed, I would not have stopped doing it. Remain to fret had not only worsened my mood, but henceforth all.
Things were going the right way.
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